As of Today

A couple of weeks ago I volunteered as a hostess at a wedding. No bueno! I came home high on a wedding cloud. Soon after my cloud evaropated and I was sent crashing back to reality. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Soooo do you plan on proposing any time soon?

Him: What’s soon?

Me: Within a few months, within a YEAR?

Him: NO

Hmmmmmmm. Did he just say NO, that he would not be proposing within a year. As in by October 2010 I would still just be his girlfriend and play housewife? OH HELL NO! Not happy about that at all! I got out of the bed and went to the living room to sleep on the couch. I began brainstorming. And yeah I cried a little, so what. By the time I finally went to sleep my mind was made up. In June, I will take my son and begin life without HIM. It’s sooo easy to say. But as God as my witness I am so serious. Please don’t misunderstand my decisions.  I do not want to pressure him to marry me nor do I think that by moving out, he will change his mind. This is about me! My independence, my sanity, my control over my life, which I feel is spiraling out of wack. I sometimes feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship and for the longest I’ve been attached to his hip. And honestly, I’ve concluded that marriage is NOT in our future and I refuse to be strung along any further. It’s a complicated situation because of our son, but it can be done. It has already been done time and time again. I’m scared, I’m worried, but I can not dwell on that. I have to put my faith in God and know that He will work things out for me and for my son. But, the title of this post IS: As of Today, so of course things can change. I just pray that all changes are for the better.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go find my strong black woman cape….