Introducing, Mrs. Lyles. Yes you read right.

I have not posted here in a year! Well, as you can tell by the title, not only did I get engaged, but that old fool married me too. On December 29, 2010, in front of our closest friends and family we became one. No big wedding, just simple courtroom nuptials, a fly little white dress, and our love. If you know me, you know that I had a temper tantrum about not having my fairy tale day, but the marriage is what matters most. The husband promises to give me my day whenever we  renew our vows. In all honesty, I just want the dress experience, the photos, and a wedding cake. Our day was very special. After we said the vows, kissed the bride, got the license, we all headed to McCormick and Scmidt (spelling to be verified) for a luncheon reception. Our friends gave us heartfelt toasts, I was given a beautiful brooch bouquet, grandparents gave us some cash, nearby patrons bought us champagne and we were also gifted a two night stay at a very nice hotel downtown. It wasn’t perfect, but it was perfect enough. Looking back through these posts, I chuckle at how times have completely changed. I’m his wife. Not his girlfriend, not his baby mama, but his wife.

Cheers to a life of happiness and all that marriage brings

I’m Focused, Man!

“Let me give you some unsolicited advice”, says a friend. I’m listening, she continues “try not to focus to much on getting married and he’ll come around, worry about other things” Well she didn’t exactly say that verbatim but its close enough. All of two minutes later another friend tells me “don’t focus on it, when you don’t talk about it, that’s when they are all over it”. Both of these convos were via gchat. I guess because my status at the time read “every kiss begins with Kay… Hint hint”. Because of my status and my behavior lately I suppose I understand the need for these ladies to tell me to redirect my focus…suppose being the operative word. I’m hard-headed, I do what I want! If I want to spend my free time planning a wedding before I’m even get engaged…. LET ME! Who am I hurting? I’m the epitome of a daydreamer, a fantasizer, its what I do! I live in la-la land! I know the truth and the status of my relationship, but honestly wedding planning is fun for me, what woman doesn’t dream about her big day? I have FOUR women in my circle getting married, how could I NOT think about it? I’m accompanying them to bridal shops, giving my opinion on invitations, helping decide on styles and themes, and I’m not supposed think about my own….right! I believe what my friends were telling me is that I’d only end up pushing him away if I’m constantly smothering him with wedding talk. Of course that’s not what I want to do. And honestly, I’m not doing that. In fact I think I have fallen back a lot on the whole thing. I do however go into wedding overload with friends, but hey that’s what girls do. With him the conversation is minimal, I make jokes here and there about us being engaged but I no longer try to bombard him with questions about our “imaginary wedding”. I know I’ll be engaged before the end of 2010. As for the wedding.. Well that’s currently a debate, mainly because of financial reasons. But I’m going to trust that God will take care of it. If we start doing things right, I know we’ll be blessed. But back to the topic, I’m focused. I’m focused on my happiness. Of course there are other things that could use more of my attention, like a new job, getting my license, and losing 50 pounds, but those things aren’t “fun” to think about. So after I’ve exhausted my mind with that stuff, I look to wedding planning as a refresher. At this point, my “planning” is merely looking in magazines and on the web at dresses, no harm in that. The minute I start trying dresses on and ordering swatches, then I’d be doing the most. To say the least, I’m just making sure I’m prepared……..

Oh look what came in the mail today… my Washington Post Wedding Planner insert BBM excited face lol.

Good Times

Isn’t it funny how we (women) run our mouths to anyone willing to listen when things are going bad, but never (almost never) freely share the good times. Let me break that cycle for my relationship. We are in a GREAT phase. Better communication, re-igniting the sparks, strengthening the friendship and taking it day by day! Look at us, actually trying to work things out. *Praise Break* I think we are going to be OK! I write this as I sit on my couch, the son is asleep, and he is out with his friends and for the first time in a long time I’m not tripping! Usually I act a complete brat worried about what he could be doing, what his friends could be influencing him to do, or whatever nonsense my mind creates. But today, I’m totally at peace. I hope he’s enjoying himself, and when he returns, I nestle next to him and continue my slumber. Its very refreshing to have this feeling.
I recently celebrated my 25th birthday. And I must admit that my favorite part of the weekend long celebration was the time spent with him and our son on July 4th. We went on a family date to the National Aquarium in Baltimore, ate lunch, and stayed on the harbor to view the fireworks show. It was a beautiful day! It was exactly how things should be. I can’t believe the transformation he is taking to become a better boyfriend. Makes me want to step my game up! I make a big deal about my birthday every year and he definitely caters to me during this time. I appreciate it wholeheartedly.

Wait, What Just Happened????

It’s now June 2010, and I’m sure you are wondering what the heck is going on in my soap opera. Let me fill you in by first saying, don’t believe anything I say when it comes to this crazy relationship I’m in. when we last tuned in, I was on my way to emotional independence, I am woman, I will get a ring or it’s the highway jack, right? Well, yeah, that is out the window. Not only are we back together (as of Valentine’s Day) but we have since moved into another apartment and signed another year long lease. So this is the part where I tell you “HE PROPOSED TO ME” (I can hear Kelly Price, look it up, great song). Well not exactly. I’m still ring-less. However, yes there is a however, I am “the one”. He finally admitted that, I, Tashira Marie Johnson Walker, am the one. He wants to marry me; he wants to make me his wife. But there are changes I must make, such as attitude adjustment, diminishing some lazy ways, obtaining a driver’s license, upgrading my cleaning skills (like he’s immaculate, ha). The biggest thing is my attitude.

Apparently I am the reason that every other day it is WWIII. Apparently my smart mouth, angry faces, and nonchalant moods are the impetuses to his decision not to wed me sooner. Hmmmmmm…… I can work on me. But buddy, I am NOT the main cause of our “issues”. We both need some work and reevaluation. For instance, he does not know how to talk to me. He can be very rude, insensitive, and abusive. There are lots of other things I wish I could discuss, but because of his request to refrain from putting all of our business out there, I’ll move on.

I’m totally confused honestly. I’ve been caught up in the wedding hype of those around me and I have started planning my own fairy-tale day. But to perfectly honest, I just don’t know lately. The arguing is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson (corny, but I love MJ so don’t judge me). Just recently, I found myself crying from my soul and just wanting to runaway. The low days are really really low, and the high days, well where are the high days? I feel like we are forcing this thing to work. I love him. I love him. I know I love him. But I love me too. And I love me more. I need happiness, sanity, and peace. I must admit, that he has been trying. He tries to walk away from my brewing storms, he tries a little harder to make me smile, and he’s always been excellent with our son. So kudos on the efforts. But, the truth remains, we don’t get along very well. I think we are just completely different people who have finally realized that we are indeed different. Different does not always work.

The next step, hopefully the saving grace, we want to try couples counseling. Before we give up completely we are going to try just one last time to see if there is anything left. We have a family, shouldn’t we stay together and at least try. We’ll see. Our lease is up June 2011, we got time to either fall back in love or kill each other, I’m praying for a positive result, yal pray too.

The End or the Beginning

December 22, 2009:

While driving home, we had a discussion. The result, we are no longer together. Our almost 5 year , live together, raising a son, relationship is now over. It went something like this

Me: “you dont want to be with me anymore”

Him: “I need to be free before I get married”

Me: “well be free then, I’m tired of being the only one fighting for this”

Him: “this is what’s best right now, neither of us are happy”

So yeah. I guess that means this blog site no longer has a purpose huh? I sit here now, days before Valentine’s Day wondering, WHAT THE HELL! How do you throw all of it away? I’m not sad, I’m kind of hurt, but really I’m numb. What’s next? Do I have to start the dating thing all over again? Another 5 years of being someone’s girlfriend? SIGH… The whole thing is complicated still, we live together! In June we will go our separate ways, but geez how do we make our lives work peacefully until then.  We have already had some pretty explosive nights. But, I will not succumb to depression, whys and what-ifs, its over and I must move on. June 1st will be the beginning of my independence and I am totally looking forward to it.

As of Today

A couple of weeks ago I volunteered as a hostess at a wedding. No bueno! I came home high on a wedding cloud. Soon after my cloud evaropated and I was sent crashing back to reality. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Soooo do you plan on proposing any time soon?

Him: What’s soon?

Me: Within a few months, within a YEAR?

Him: NO

Hmmmmmmm. Did he just say NO, that he would not be proposing within a year. As in by October 2010 I would still just be his girlfriend and play housewife? OH HELL NO! Not happy about that at all! I got out of the bed and went to the living room to sleep on the couch. I began brainstorming. And yeah I cried a little, so what. By the time I finally went to sleep my mind was made up. In June, I will take my son and begin life without HIM. It’s sooo easy to say. But as God as my witness I am so serious. Please don’t misunderstand my decisions.  I do not want to pressure him to marry me nor do I think that by moving out, he will change his mind. This is about me! My independence, my sanity, my control over my life, which I feel is spiraling out of wack. I sometimes feel like I’ve lost myself in this relationship and for the longest I’ve been attached to his hip. And honestly, I’ve concluded that marriage is NOT in our future and I refuse to be strung along any further. It’s a complicated situation because of our son, but it can be done. It has already been done time and time again. I’m scared, I’m worried, but I can not dwell on that. I have to put my faith in God and know that He will work things out for me and for my son. But, the title of this post IS: As of Today, so of course things can change. I just pray that all changes are for the better.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go find my strong black woman cape….

Put a Ring on It

As I sit here looking at my left hand, I am stuck wondering, what happened to me? In the past week I have come into contact with two married women, both my age. One is a friend of mine who has a daughter a few months younger than my son. The other young woman is Howard Alum that I only knew by face and her choir affiliation. Let me first say congratulations to them and may God continuously bless their unions. Now back to me and my unwedded self! What went wrong? I was supposed to be “that girl”. That girl being someone raised in the church, saving her virginity for the wedding night, falling in love and married by age 23, or at least engaged. And of course the two kids, dog, house and white picket fence would surely follow. But that is not the reality. Instead here I am, 24, living in a rented condo with my son and BOYFRIEND. Hmmmmm. How do I fix this?

Truth be told, I don’t even see the sparkling of my diamond ring at the end of the tunnel. So now what? Well my suggestion is to end this relationship. Or at least take a break from it for awhile. Maybe then if someone, could see what it is to be without me that would make him want to keep me around, forever. Right now it seems like things are at a stand still. We’ve gone through all the relationship milestones; I’m just waiting for my ring, well more so the commitment that he wants to make our family official. I’d take a ring pop at this point. (That’s a half joke). But seriously, what are my options?????

 

Let’s see:

A) Continue living as I am, and keep quiet until he’s ready.

B) Ultimatum time: marry me or move on

C) After the lease is up, we continue being together but we LIVE separately

 

            It’s just not that simple. For starters, I love him, I love being around him (most times) and we have a son that “should” be raised in a household with both his parents. Also, times are definitely hard, so I can’t necessarily afford to live on my own. (Damn it, that means I’m dependent on him, gotta change that!) I guess it’s really not a hard decision to make; I just have to be able to handle whatever outcomes arise. OR he could just MARRY ME!

 

I’m bout to put on my black leotard and heels, rock my body back and forth and sing my song. “All my single ladies, all my single ladies……

Living Married-Like, But Not Married

As soon as we became a couple, we always wanted to be with each other. So essentially the “living together” started in our dorm rooms around May 2005. However we didn’t officially begin shacking up until January 2008. We had a cute little basement apartment in Adams Morgan, rent only $500. God blessed us! We, well I was also expecting. Talk about things happening out-of-order!

From that basement apartment we moved to the up and coming area of Southwest Waterfront. We have fond memories of our second apartment, a Jr. one bedroom that had just been renovate, we were now paying $950. Our son, Xavier Lyles was born on August 18, 2009 and life as a couple post college really picked up.

 

Let’s fast forward.

 

Our family now lives in a two-bedroom condo in NE Washington, DC. We have ups, we have downs, we fight, we love, we laugh, I cry. It’s really an experience. And now we are sharing our experiences with you. We have been together for going on 5 years. The first 3 years we were in college, now here we are living together and raising our son. We share responsibility of our bills, we have a joint account, we have a car in both of our names, I cook, I clean, I do laundry, he takes out the trash, protects and provides for us, and  manages our money (I’m terrible at it). I visit his family in Michigan and Indiana, he visits my family in New York, Pennsylvania and California. Seems like a cozy little environment right?

 

Well, I’m 24 years old, he’s 23 and although we are parents together, we are still only at that “boyfriend/girlfriend” stage. Of course, we’ve had the “marriage talk”. But at this time, I have the slightest idea of when this will take place, or if it even will.  Reasons? He says we are not ready. He says we are too young. He says he’s unsure if I’m “the one.” He says I’m immature, He’s says I don’t accomplish any of my goals.

 

I say, I’m getting tired of playing housewife!